It’s normal to feel upset or get worked up during a disagreement with your spouse, but when your argument turns from communicating about an unpleasant topic or issue into toxic anger, it can leave both partners feeling devastated.
Couples having communication problems in marriage is hardly new. But what happens when a healthy disagreement turns into a toxic argument? When both partners are unwilling to resolve an issue, show empathy or fight fair, it can derail the entire relationship.
These are solid examples to help you distinguish between toxicity and healthy disagreements in your marital conflict.
Methods of communication
The healthy way
Communication is key not only for a healthy marriage but also for resolving arguments with your spouse. During healthy disagreements, you and your spouse are both willing to listen to one another. You do not interrupt and you desire to hear what how your partner thinks and feels.
You communicate honestly about your wants and needs and are focused on fixing the problem.
Healthy couples are able to do this because they have built a strong foundation of emotional and physical intimacy to fall back on during an argument. They trust one another and know that one argument does not mean the relationship is over or that one spouse will walk out.
The toxic way
When there are toxic communication problems in a marriage, one spouse may avoid talking altogether.
Ignoring someone you love by use of the “Silent treatment” is damaging behaviour. It can cause psychological and emotional stress in the marriage and make the ignored spouse feel unimportant or unloved. Pulling away verbally may also cause your spouse to change their behaviour. This can cause a rift between partners.
The toxic spouse may also use avoidance or denial when dealing with a problem, choosing to ignore it in the hopes the issue will simply resolve itself. Ignoring problems is no way to solve a marital conflict. It can also cause resentment to fester in both partners.
Handling frustrations
The healthy way
It’s only natural for couples to get frustrated during an argument. It is how you handle your frustration that will determine whether or not you and your spouse have healthy disagreements.
It’s important to show respect to your partner at all times, even during an argument. Focus on fixing the problem at hand, not on attacking one another or using the situation as an excuse to lash out at each other about other problems.
Couples in a healthy disagreement don’t shut one another out. They strive to end conflicts or disagreements before bedtime, knowing that doing so is beneficial for marriage. They also know when to table a discussion or take a break if the argument is getting heated and the timing has become inappropriate.
The toxic way
Toxic spouses do not handle frustrations well and may resort to name-calling, shouting, and character assassination of their partner during a disagreement. This toxic behaviour can negatively affect your health.
While it is a normal inclination for partners to blame one another during an argument, it becomes toxic when one or both spouses refuse to accept responsibility for the role they are playing in the issue at hand.
Leaving is another common sign of toxicity in a marriage. If one partner gets up and leaves the home during a disagreement, it gives the other spouse a feeling of abandonment. It suggests that both the conversation and the hurt partner’s feelings were not worth the leaving spouse’s time or concern. This is extremely unhealthy behaviour.
Understanding the problem
The healthy way
During a healthy disagreement, both partners will strive to understand one another’s point of view. This involves listening carefully, communicating thoughts and opinions, and asking questions.
Learning to understand a problem also involves a humble self-examination. Questions to ask are: How did we end up in this situation? Did I play a role in the disagreement we are having? How can we not only fix the problem but also prevent it from coming up again in the future?
Healthy couples also give one another the benefit of the doubt when it comes to problem-solving. They look for the good in their partner and accept that nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.
The toxic way
Those with a toxic approach to solving marital conflict may use guilt as a weapon. Instead of staying focused on the current problem, they bring up their partner’s past mistakes and use it as a way to guilt them into submission or apology.
This is unhealthy behaviour that goes against the principles of forgiveness. It is also manipulative, preying on the spouse’s hurt feelings as a way to “win” an argument.
Handling apologies
The healthy way
The healthy approach to resolve marital conflict is to take responsibility for your actions. In order for an apology to be valid, it must be honest and genuine. You must be willing to be vulnerable with your partner before you say you’re sorry.
Apologies are important in relationships. Not only is it the right thing to do when you are in the wrong or have overstepped your bounds with your spouse, but it’s also a healthy way of showing empathy and respect for your partner. It also shows your partner that you value conflict resolution in your marriage more than you value your pride.
The toxic way
For some, apologising can be extremely difficult. Some may feel that giving in to saying “I’m sorry” will allow their spouse to further “attack” them. They may also confuse their actions with their character, thinking that if they apologise for doing something bad, it will be an admission of being bad.
Whatever their reasons, toxic partners often refuse to apologise or may give in to an empty apology simply to end the conflict as opposed to solving it. This toxic behaviour shows that your partner is comfortable with emotional distance and anger, and may consider vulnerability to be threatening in some way.
No matter how well you get along, marital conflict is bound to happen. Don’t let communication problems in marriage be the end of your relationship. Instead, do an honest self-examination and work on distinguishing between toxicity and healthy disagreements. Work on your communication methods and strive to understand one another as best you can.
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Author: Sylvia Smith
Sylvia Smith is a relationship expert with years of experience in training and helping couples. She has helped countless individuals and organizations around the world, offering effective and efficient solutions for healthy and successful relationships. Her mission is to provide inspiration, support and empowerment to everyone on their journey to a great marriage. She is a featured writer for Marriage.com, a reliable resource to support healthy happy marriages.
