How To Build A Relationship Based On Interdependence

Most of us value connection with others, especially in our romantic relationships. In fact, we are wired for connection and it allows us to create bonds and intimacy with our partner. The success of long-term relationships depends heavily on the quality of our emotional connection with each other. When we think of our ideal relationships we often think of a wonderful, close, lifelong relationship with our most important person.

So, how do we build that kind of relationship? That cosy, safe, long-term bond with someone who we know has our back for the long haul? A relationship that gives us the freedom to be ourselves, that supports our growth and allows us to have flexibility with each other?

What is interdependence?

Interdependence suggests that partners recognise and value the importance of the emotional bond they share while maintaining a solid sense of self within the relationship dynamic. An interdependent person recognises the value of vulnerability, being able to turn to their partner in meaningful ways to create emotional intimacy. They also value a sense of self that allows them and their partner to be themselves without any need to compromise who they are or their values system.

Being dependent on another person can sound scary or even unhealthy. Growing up, we are often taught an over-inflated value of independence, to be somewhat self-contained, with a high value placed on not needing others for emotional support.

As valuable as having a sense of independence is, taken to an extreme, this can actually get in the way of us being able to connect emotionally with others in a meaningful way. Emotional intimacy with a partner can be difficult to achieve, even scary or not seen as particularly valuable in a relationship, for those who have an extraordinary sense of independence.

Interdependence is not codependence

Interdependence is not the same thing as being codependent. A codependent person tends to rely heavily on others for their sense of self and well-being. There is no ability for that person to distinguish where they end and their partner begins, there is an enmeshed sense of responsibility to another person to meet their needs and/or for their partner to meet all of their needs to feel okay about who they are.

Traits of a codependent relationship include things like:

• Poor/no boundaries
• People pleasing behaviours
• Reactivity
• Unhealthy, ineffective communication
• Manipulation
• Difficulty with emotional intimacy
• Controlling behaviours
• Blaming each other
• Low self-esteem of one or both partners
• No personal interests or goals outside the relationship

Codependent relationships are not healthy and do not allow partners room to be themselves, to grow and to be autonomous. These unhealthy relationships involve one partner, or both, relying heavily on the other and the relationship for their sense of self, feelings of worthiness and overall emotional well-being. There are often feelings of guilt and shame for one or both partners when the relationship is not going well.

As therapist and codependency specialist, Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT says codependency involves

“someone who has lost their core sense of self, so that his or her thinking and behaviour revolves around someone or something external, including a person, a substance, or an activity, such as sex or gambling.”

Why interdependence is healthy for a relationship

Interdependence involves a balance of self and other within the relationship, recognising that both partners are working to be present and meet each other’s physical and emotional needs in appropriate and meaningful ways. Partners are not demanding of one another and they do not look to their partner for feelings of worthiness. This gives each partner space to maintain a sense of self, room to move toward each other in times of need and the freedom to make these decisions without fear of what will happen in the relationship.

Characteristics of an interdependent relationship

A healthy, interdependent relationship can be recognised by some of the following:

• Healthy boundaries
• Active listening
• Time for personal interests
• Clear communication
• Taking personal responsibility for behaviours
• Creating safety for each other to be vulnerable
• Engaging and responding to each other
• Healthy self-esteem
• Being open and approachable with each other

When partners feel cherished and valued, the relationship becomes a safe haven and a place where the couple can be interdependent. This means that they understand they are not alone in the relationship, can turn toward each other safely in times of need and feel secure that their partner will be present.

How to build an interdependent relationship

The key to building an interdependent relationship is to be mindful of who you are from the beginning. Many times people are looking for, or entering, relationships simply to avoid feeling alone, without any personal reflection of who they are, what they value, and their goals for the relationship. Taking time for this kind of personal reflection allows you to enter a new relationship with an awareness of self that is critical for the establishment of an interdependent relationship.

As licensed psychotherapist Sharon Martin, LCSW suggests, it is important to maintain a sense of self in our intimate relationships. She suggests the following ways to maintain a sense of self in a relationship:

• Knowing what you like and what matters to you
• Not being afraid to ask for what you want
• Spend time with friends and family
• Continue pursuing your personal goals
• Be mindful of your values
• Make time for hobbies and interests
• Don’t be afraid to say “no”
• Don’t keep yourself small or hidden to please others

Allowing your partner room and opportunity to do these same things will be the key to establishing a healthy, interdependent relationship. Starting your relationship in this way can allow for the development of a safe space for both partners to learn how to turn toward each other intimately without fear of losing themselves or being controlled or manipulated. Interdependent relationships do not leave people feeling guilty or scared of their partner or the relationship, but leaves them feeling safe with their partner.

Take time to reflect on who you are and what you want in your most important relationships. Being mindful of this in the dating process can help ensure that your relationship will be healthy and more solid for the long term.

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