“The human body is the best picture of the human soul.” — Ludwig Wittgenstein
There’s this electrician I know named Jim. I know zippo about electrical wiring or Jim’s qualifications, but the other day I recommended Jim’s business with the crazed enthusiasm I tend to reserve for my town’s new gelato shop.
Then I thought: Wait, why?
Here’s why: because I adore Jim. Basically I want to be Jim. And that’s saying a lot because Jim is pushing 70 and, like I said, an electrical expert.
But Jim is the warmest, most genuine person I know, and everyone loves him. He holds his business meetings at my local coffee house, and rather than “work a room” like a politician would, he seems to float around the place, all grins and gentle back slaps.
I’ve had Jim under surveillance for a while now from my perch at the coffee house, and I can see he instinctively does everything taught in Mazlo’s Positive Body Language program. The vibe he gives off — honest, easygoing, capable — makes you want to hire him. Or at least hug him.
Most of us don’t possess Jim’s natural affinity for positive body language, but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn it.
In fact, becoming fluent in the language of facial expressions, body positioning, and gestures should be a priority for anyone seeking friendship or influence.
“Your body language makes more of an impression on people than the words you speak,” says Rachel Kjack, M.A., Mazlo’s communication and social skills expert. “Most of us don’t know how to present ourselves in the most positive ways possible, so we default to bad habits.”
Slouching, tensing our jaws, crossing our arms, gazing downward — these are all habits that convey a lack of warmth or confidence. When you use positive body language, you instantly feel better about yourself and, in turn, project likability. And when you screw up, you’re easily forgiven.
Here are seven ways the rest of us can be more like Jim.
1. Smile with your eyes, not just your mouth
Jim is a handsome dude — slim, with a thick head of boyishly long silver hair — but he has some seriously deep crow’s feet. While that’s inevitable at his age, I’m guessing he’s developed these crevices because he’s always smiling with his eyes.
“You actually have two sets of muscles that control your smile, and they operate independently,” explains Rachel. “If you only use the muscles that connect to the corners of your mouth, your smile will look forced or fake.”
In front of a mirror when no one’s looking, flash a few smiles using both your eyes and mouth. Then smile just with your mouth, and notice how much stiffer and phonier you appear.
In public, practice holding your eye smiles for a full 3 seconds. That’s how long it takes for the recipient to register your smile as authentic.
2. Use memorable, dynamic gestures
I can’t always hear Jim from where I sit, but I see him tell stories with his hands. He’ll motion like he’s shooting a basketball or measuring a window or squeezing a loaf of bread from both ends (not sure what that’s about).
But two things I never see Jim do: cross his arms or put his hands in his pockets. “Those are self-soothing mechanisms that give a closed-off vibe,” says Rachel.
To come off as dynamic and engaging as Jim, use open gestures to emphasize your points: snap your fingers, pat your chest, clap your hands, use your fingers to indicate the number 2.
Between gestures, keep your arms hanging loosely at your sides, palms open.
3. Stand at a 45-degree angle when in conversation
I know a woman who, when I run into her, plants her face so close to mine that I feel like she’s going to knock me over. When I see her coming in the supermarket, I head the other way.
Jim, by contrast, ambles up alongside you, as if he’s about to drape his arm around your shoulder. You always feel invited into a conversation with him.
Jim is onto something, says Rachel. “Going face to face puts the other person directly in your spotlight of attention and adds pressure or tension to the interaction. But when you’re turned at an angle, it’s like you and the other person are on the same side.”
Rachel recommends the 45-degree angle as a starting position. “Then you can choose when to lean in or put the other person more in your spotlight, as a conversation becomes more intimate or engaging.”
4. Make eye contact, but don’t stare too long
You know how some people stare at the floor or ceiling but never look you in the eye? Jim is not one of those people. He aims his blue eyes softly at you, like you’re the only interesting person in the room, but he never locks eyes for too long.
Making eye contact not only conveys confidence and trust, says Rachel, but the act of making eye contact even changes the sound of our voice in a way that expresses integrity and authority. “You naturally speak at a lower pitch and with a fullness and energy in your voice,” she says.
Looking away briefly every 5 seconds or so is a good thing, Rachel advises. “It’s a way to relieve the intensity that direct and constant eye contact conveys.”
5. Take up space, but invite others into your radius
Jim isn’t a big guy, but in the coffee house, he stands out, maintaining the tall yet casual posture Rachel recommends.
Jim even manages to take up extra space when he’s seated. He’ll kick out his legs and place his hands behind his head, as if to say, “Yeah, great, sure thing.” He never appears arrogant — just comfortable, relaxed, warm.
Basically Jim is a body-language genius, adhering to one of Rachel’s more advanced and unexpected recommendations: while seated, place items in front of you “as a satellite extension of your body.”
Amazingly, Jim does this every day.
A low-tech diehard, he carries his papers around in this inch-deep, legal-pad-sized metal box — “It’s my laptop,” he likes to joke, “and it never malfunctions.” During business meetings, Jim lays his box on the table and feels comfortable enough to spread out its contents.
6. Release facial tension
Jim comes across as a guy without a care in the world, someone whose most stressful daily decision is whether to order an 8-ounce or 12-ounce coffee.
I’m pretty certain this isn’t the case — he wires up commercial buildings all over town and told me himself that his business took a hit during the recession. But he never grimaces or glowers or clenches his jaw.
How can you score a carefree expression?
Loosen up your facial muscles in private before you meet with others. Rub your cheeks and jaw line, tap your face, move your jaw back and forth, and stick your tongue out. This will help you recognize when your face is active and what it feels like to be completely relaxed in comparison.
7. Emanate a positive force field
There’s something Jim does that is not as easy to duplicate as his beaming smiles, tall posture, and dynamic gestures: he emanates a positive force field.
This is Rachel’s term for radiating positive energy.
“Picture a bubble of bright color that you’re pushing out from your core to encompass anyone directly in your space,” Rachel advises. “Sense the aliveness in your body, and harness your energy to embody a positive and charismatic force.”
Jim, I’m guessing, would call all this “a bunch of baloney,” but from my perch in the coffee house, I’d beg to differ.
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Author: Suzanne
Mazlo Blogger, Program Tester, and Self-Improvement Junkie.
