It can be hard being single, especially when you see your friends or your ex-partner happily paired up with other people. But, in all honesty, many of those relationships you’re seeing aren’t going to make it, and that’s because the people involved just didn’t work on themselves when they were single.
If someone jumps into something with a lot of issues or baggage, those weights just drag the relationship down to the breaking point.
Being single gives you a chance to focus on yourself and what you will bring into your next relationship. Here are some healthy things you’ve got to do before you start your next new relationship to give yourself the best chance of success.
1. Take stock of your selfishness
We are all self-centred in some ways. This can get even worse when you’re single, and you’re likely to carry it over into a relationship even if you’re not entirely conscious of it. Selfishness in a relationship can really cause it all to come to a grinding halt, so it is important to work on being more giving when you’re single so you form that habit.
Make an honest assessment of yourself right now, how much you give and how much you take with the people in your life. Remember that people can only give so much before they have nothing left, so if you’re the one taking all the time, you’re risking losing those you care about now and in the future.
Work on becoming less selfish as a person by giving more when it comes to your family and friends, and that quality will naturally follow you into your new relationship.
This could be done in simple ways, such as listening with enthusiasm about a topic that’s maybe not all that exciting to you but is to someone you care about and finally agreeing to babysit for a friend or relative when they’re in a pinch. Look for ways to be more giving in your life all the way around.
2. Take a look back
Anytime you have a failed friendship or relationship, it’s all too easy to shift all the blame onto the other person. Your hindsight almost becomes tainted, as all you can see is what they did wrong but not really what you were doing that wasn’t helping.
Here, you have to look back at your failed relationships and identify how you contributed to what eventually happened. Ask yourself what you did or said that hurt the other person or pushed them away.
Think about any times when you said harsh things you later regretted during fights and about all the times you may have ignored their attempts to communicate.
Generally, a failed relationship is a two-person show, so if you want to prevent history from repeating itself, you need to be aware of what you did wrong. This can be hard to do, especially as you’ll be revisiting painful memories, but it’s important to try to evaluate your relationships from the most independent, third-party perspective as humanly possible.
3. Take a look at what you created
Often, as time goes by, you start doing things you weren’t doing before, and this is also true in relationships. For example, say in your last relationship, the only way you were able to communicate with your partner that you needed something done quickly was to scream at them because if you didn’t, they either ignored you or never followed through.
Now, you find yourself doing the exact same thing with friends or family members or even in another failed relationship.
Identify any unhealthy habits that were created in your past relationships so you don’t continue to do them in your new one. You may find a great listener, but following the example above, you may end up yelling at them out of habit the one time something is forgotten, if you don’t break yourself of it, and that’s a move you will regret.
Really think about the negative impact your past relationships have had on your life so you can determine what type of baggage you may be carrying into your new ones.
You can damage your new relationships right away and even lose a great potential partner simply because you haven’t worked on ridding yourself of those unhealthy behaviours you picked up in other relationships. Be very honest in your assessment of what you picked up during past relationships so you know what to be on the lookout for in terms of learned behaviours.
4. Take some notes
If there are relationships around you that you admire, such as your friends, parents or other relatives, feel free to take some notes on what they do and why their relationships are so healthy. Ask yourself what you admire about them.
Maybe it’s because they show respect by not speaking negatively about each other or put each other first or because they’re affectionate and romantic. It could be a combination of all those things and more, so take the time to identify what you find so appealing about those relationships and why.
When you’re examining relationships you admire, keep in mind what you want in your next relationship. Use this information to find a partner who has the attributes you’re looking for or who is willing to work on them so you can have a healthy relationship. This is not an area where you want to “settle,” as chances are you’ll end up regretting your decision.
After you’ve looked at the positive, check out the negative. Take a closer look at the unhealthy relationships people around you are in so you know what to avoid. Take note of what they’re doing wrong, and try to make sure you don’t date someone with similar attributes and end up in the same boat.
5. Take your time more seriously
Be in check with your own heart and mind. Don’t move into a relationship simply because you’re desperate to be in one. If you go in with that mindset, it’s likely to lead to you wasting time in a relationship that is doomed from the start.
You don’t want to end up wasting a year with the wrong person when you could have met your future ideal partner in that same time. Be clear on what you want, and stick to your guns. There’s no sense in dragging out a relationship and wasting your emotions on the entirely wrong person.
Remember that while it’s hard to be single when it seems like everyone else around you is in love, you at least have the chance to work on becoming the best person possible for your next new relationship. By looking at where you can heal and grow, you can start working on giving your future partner what they deserve instead of the ghosts of your past.
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Author: Heather Redwood
Heather Redwood graduated from Penn State University with a Speech Communication degree, and specialises in communication therapy. She has logged over 15,000 hours in one-to-one sessions with men and women, helping them to cope with codependency issues and love and sex addiction. She also specialises in online dating and marriage counselling
